Drastic solution to a simple, but intractable, problem
Guest User
A special essay, by special invitation from our former Commodore, from our special former club secretary, Mr Peter P. Dobrijevic BE MBA DipLaw.
Release the hound....
PROBLEM:
It is impossible to maintain DBSC’s position as the leading Laser club in the world when our National Trust recognised premises have the appearance, presentation and odour of a third rate Portuguese bordello. Unfortunately, a small but growing number of members treat the clubhouse like their girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s/non-binary partner’s flat in the week before they ditch them via a text message.
Comrades, as of today, IT STOPS!
SOLUTIONS CONSIDERED AND DISCARDED
The number of solutions considered and evaluated by your club’s progressive politburo included:
Scheduling regular 2 hour individual interviews with Dear Leader who will likely repeatedly stress over the time that you will not win even one world championship without committing to organisation norms of behaviour; and/or
Launching a reality TV show where a weekly viewer vote would see one member ejected from DBSC, however this would required the club to invest in expensive big brother style CCTV to capture the “perps” red handed. We were also concerned such a program could encourage the exact narcissistic behaviour we’re trying to outlaw; and/or
Authorising the Canteen Crew to call wildcat strikes, denying toasties and beverages for all comrades whenever the club is in disorder.
SOLUTION SELECTED
After considerable angst, it was decided the simplest, and most effective solution was to enforce the club’s long-standing and popular “no dickheads” policy and summarily expel the member-perps from the club.
To out the dickheads, we’re going to adopt basic intelligence testing. Now, this might appear unfair to some leftist leaning softies and New Zealanders, but bugger them; as your club repeatedly reminds us with massively pin biased start lines in Club Championship races, life isn’t fair. So all potential perps who want to remain in the club will need to learn, and follow the rules.
An exam will be conducted at the annual People’s Congress (a.k.a the season ending general party). This closed book exam, with no take-in-notes, will be actively inviligated by the Wise Master and his canteen crew. No supper or drinkies unless you score 100% in both answers and behaviour. Further, depending on results and unless behaviour improves, at all briefings next season we will be interrogating the most likely perps for the correct answers. Wrong answers will result in public humiliation and ridicule. And flogging. We love floggings.
TEST QUESTIONS
Hint......Unlike many examinations, there is only one right answer to each question
Were the dolly hanging structures, designed and lovingly constructed by about a dozen members in years gone by, commissioned because:
Dear Leader was grieving the loss of his dear friend Lee Kuan Yew and so formed a further working bee as a distraction; or
Rod and Geoff needed to offload some surplus 4 by 2’s from their building businesses; or
The club recognised the many WHS benefits of getting the dollies off the floor so that our growing membership would have improved and safe access to the club 24/7.
True or False: The dolly hanging system was properly designed, engineered and constructed to allow nesting of up to three (3) dollies in front of each column of racks.
At the end of a sailing day, is the process for dealing with the dollies:
(A) random, i.e. leave them wherever you feel like it, man; or
(B) dollies can be left unattended overnight in the horizontal position, either singularly or in stacks, or left OUTSIDE the clubhouse on the grass and not within the club at the northern end of the aisle, or on the vinyl floor; or
(C) hang them up in front of racks that are full of boats, starting from the lowest rack first, so each of the three (3) racks hold precisely one dolly each
The steel stackable dollies used to transport boats to regattas:
Present a wonderful opportunity to exponentially complicate dolly management because they are heavy, of a strange design and don’t easily fit on the dolly holders, or;
2. Are best used as foundations for cubist existential sculptures that can be littered throughout the club as a prelude to annually relocating them to Bondi for Sculpturebythesea? Or
3. Belong stacked outside and are never to enter inside the club?
Every boat has been racing, and due to circumstances that can’t be explained inside this space/time continuum, you are among the first boats back at the end of the day (and you don’t have ground floor accomodation). While many members continue their weekly infighting about port tack rights inside the zone, you’re among the first to have unrigged and have just put your boat away. In addition to contemplating how the hell that happened, do you:
Hang your dolly in front of your boat, and ignore the next sailor that now needs to remove your dolly in order to put their boat away? (you twat); or,
2. Deposit your dolly on the floor towards the front of the club so it presents a trip hazard to everyone attending to their après sailing rehydration and critique of the clothing choices of the guests of The Island? (you too are a twat); or
3. Leave your dolly outside, but out of the way of other boats de-rigging? (you lovely, beautiful and handsome model of humanity)
Before you enjoy your post-sail beverage opportunity, do you:
Update FaceSpace or your other preferred social media application; and then artistically replicate a scene from your favourite mud sodden music festival by leaving your rubbish and other gear on the floor?; or
Understand it’s real world behaviour (not online bullshit) that really matters so you pick up any rubbish, yours or someone else’s, and find some dollies to hang up in front of full racks?
When you see a column of racks full of boats with a couple of empty dolly holders at the end of the sailing day, do you:
go and have a shower in the club’s mighty facilities with abundant hot water? (thanks to our overqualified but magnificently efficient plumbing members); or,
hang some of the dollies from outside the club so there are three (3) hanging dollies in front of the full rack column? Or
3. Ignore everything and act like an entitled knob?
8. The club is currently as full as a fat kid’s sock with more boats in the clubhouse than racks, so some boats are stored on dollies on the floor. While this brings immense pleasure to the Treasurer, and opens up the opportunity to implement the “no dickheads” policy with minimal financial impact on the club, it also imparts a requirement on the rest of us to appropriately manage the boats on the floor. The appropriate storage method for boats on the floor is:
Randomly all over the place, like a mad women’s breakfast. Create the maximum inconvenience for the maximum number; or
Along the eastern side of the club, cutting access to the bathrooms and causing distress for those with weak bladders; or
3. On the northern end of the club, blocking access to the deck, the kitchen, the chips and the beer (the horror..... the horror); Or
4. In a neat row along the western side of the club.
Final question....Double marks:
Who is responsible for making sure the dollies are in the correct space, the Centre of Engineering Excellence is tidy; boats are stored appropriately and there is no rubbish left on tables, floors and the change rooms?
Everyone else because I am too busy / important / beautiful / wealthy / winning regattas / old / young/ often pleasuring myself (select up to three); or
The very small number of members who do well above the usual level of volunteering every week; or
Not my problem because I pay my fees (which are incredibly low because we are a volunteer organisation and not commercial operations): or
Me.
.